By Geoff Williams
NEW YORK Dec 18 Cheating spouses are constantly
in the headlines, one of the latest involving former Central
Intelligence Agency director David Petraeus. While there seems
to be an endless appetite for stories about infidelity involving
celebrities or those in the halls of power, in most cases
divorce courts couldn't care less.
The price tags on affairs that blow up a marriage come out
of negotiated settlements.
This is because in states with no-fault divorce laws - which
allow people to divorce without having to document specific
reasons the marriage went south - courts aren't looking for
blame. So affairs and other disasters of the heart don't matter.
Financial awards usually just come down to formulas. And
while it's impossible to pinpoint exactly how many divorces
occur because of cheating, it's considered commonplace and
courts are inured to its impact.
"I think it's probably present in at least half of
divorces," says Randall M. Kessler, a family lawyer in Atlanta.
Take the case of Silvana Roncal, an independent financial
consultant in Miami. She caught her husband in a compromising
position in the middle of the night with their live-in nanny
three years ago, and she thought her life couldn't get much
But it did. "It was a very emotional time," says Roncal,
who became severely depressed as her 18-year marriage fell
apart. "I left my job, saw my house go into foreclosure,
declared bankruptcy and everything went down the drain."
Think a hefty alimony might be a fitting punishment for the
pain of her husband's affair? Hardly.
Roncal, a 54-year-old mother of two, wound up paying spousal
support of $2,500 per month to her ex-husband, who never worked
during their marriage and is still without a job.
"Florida is a no-fault state," says Roncal. "They don't care
about what happens during the marriage."
Outside of the court system, where 95 percent of divorces
are settled, infidelity can matter a lot. Here's how:
1. If the parties have signed a prenup:
Some prenuptial and postnuptial agreements already consider
a possible affair. "They'll often read that in the event one of
the parties cheats, the award will be X dollars a month higher,"
says Robert Wallack, a matrimonial attorney in New York. "I had
one case where a contract stated that if the husband cheated,
and if the wife could prove it, she would control his real
And, indeed, Wallack's client became quite the real estate
One cautionary note for spouses very angry about cheating:
Don't let emotions get out of control. Fighting to prove a point
or assess punishment will just cost more. "The legal
professional will get a lot of that money," says Alan Frisher, a
certified divorce planning adviser in Melbourne, Florida.
Roncal can attest to that. Because she was the main
breadwinner, she ended up depleting her assets in a legal battle
with her husband, and then settled, rather than spend even more
to go to court.
But she regrets it now and offers this advice: Get a really
good lawyer or a mediator to help negotiate how much alimony
you'll receive or pay out.
2. If the cheater has spent a lot of money on the paramour:
"I had a situation where a husband rented an apartment to
conduct an affair," says Wallack. "It cost $5,000 a month, and
he rented it for two years."
The wife ended up getting $120,000, on top of her alimony to
compensate for that expenditure.
For these kinds of cases, documentation is important, but be
careful how you document. Arianna Jeret, a divorce mediator in
Redondo Beach, California, warns that many spouses learn about
affairs by sneaking into the cheating spouse's email or Facebook
"This is essentially considered hacking and could actually
put the non-cheating spouse at risk for criminal litigation,"
Frisher adds: "Money typically has a trail, and you can get
a forensic accountant to find evidence. But that can take a lot
of time and expense, so it better be worth it. Otherwise it can
end up costing you a lot more to get your retribution than it
was actually worth."
3. If there's been extremely poor conduct or some type of
To win on this score, the conduct has to be outside the
bounds of normal decency, says Wallack. "If a husband flaunts
his affair in his wife's face, or it can be shown he was
ignoring his kids and other family responsibilities, that might
be a contributing factor," he said.
While the financial impact might not be punitive, this kind
of conduct can push the numbers, Wallack says.
So if a husband with deep pockets has cheated on his wife,
and she is looking to receive anywhere from $10,000 to $13,000 a
month, Wallack says a sympathetic settlement might end up with
the man paying on the higher end of the scale.