Put money talk on your holiday menu

(Linda Stern is a freelance writer. Any opinions in the column are solely those of Ms. Stern. You can e-mail her at

lindastern@aol.com.)

By Linda Stern

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - This Thanksgiving, when the brother-in-law asks "How's business?" it might be a loaded question. For most of us in the midst of a weak economy, business isn't so good right now. Even putting the turkey and stuffing on the table -- or flying in to help eat it -- might be less affordable than usual.

Families traditionally avoid finances as a discussion topic when they gather for holidays, preferring to stick with safer subjects like sports or recipes or "My, how those kids have grown!" Yet that multi-generational gathering is a great opportunity to discuss family money. That can include everything from how the oldest generation views its legacy to what the youngest generation expects from Christmas.

"It's going to be on everybody's mind around the holidays this year," says Brian Carpenter, an associate professor of psychology at Washington University in St. Louis. "This is an opening for a good conversation." It can be good to have one or several family money meetings over the holiday period, because relatives tend to be more focused on the non-financial value of their relationships then. It puts money into perspective. Here are some pointers for how to make those conversations productive and not painful.

-- Talk about the desire to talk, and plan a time. Don't simply bring up "Mom, have you written a will?" over the holiday meal, says Kortney Christensen of Wachovia Securities. Her firm has created a Website with tips on guiding these conversations here. She recommends scheduling a talk ahead of time, using an opening like: "I hope you can set aside some time for us on Friday. I want to get your thoughts on some money matters we've been thinking about."

-- Ask before you tell. Aging parents have probably already given subjects like their health-care plans and legacies some thought, even if they're not comfortable bringing it up. Ask older relatives for guidance. "I want to make sure that I do what you want me to do, when you're not able to make those decisions" is better than "Mom, you really need to face facts!"

-- Don't be shy about being the one to start the ball rolling, especially if the ball involves cutting back on holiday spending. The aunts, uncles and cousins might be just as happy to abandon the spend-yourself-silly gift giving, but don't want to bring it up. Consider opening the door with "Times are tight; let's change up our plans this year" as your first gift to them.

-- Talking about values, not dollars, at the holiday meal. Here's a good family conversation starter: "If our family was going to give one big donation this year, instead of smaller ones, what cause would you most like to see us help?" That's an opportunity for all generations to generally discuss the concept of budgeting for charity and for sharing what they think is important. It's a short trip from that general conversation to suggesting, later in the weekend, that the family donation substitute for some other holiday expense.

-- Bring kids in, but don't scare them. Kids as young as five can be made to understand financial choices, like "Should we go visit the cousins for Christmas or should we wait until summer?" Or "Should we get a really big tree or host a little party with the neighbors?" They will also know something is amiss if Mom and Dad are worried about their jobs, or have already been laid off. But it's good to reassure them: "These are tough times, but we have seen other bad times through and we'll get through this. We may have to cut back, so let's think of how we can save for now."

-- Respect the person, even if you don't like the plan. Maybe you can't afford to lend that brother-in-law money for his start-up. But you can offer to baby-sit while he lines up other financing, or offer to help out in the business. "Start with the fact that you really care about them and want them to do well, but have your own struggles," Christensen advises.

-- Consider the first conversations a start. It's an ongoing, organic process. Broaching financial subjects when everyone's together and feeling close is a way to say that money-talk is safe. You can set up times and dates for follow-up conversations about specifics that need to get done. That's when you can talk turkey.

(editing by Gunna Dickson)